No, Im not here to say which is better. Not even here to say which one is best for your family. I am going to tell you in my experience which I have found harder. And some sensitivities I have encountered as "this" parent. I'm here to break that barrier of "I don't understand this connection but will continue to open my mouth and offend you as a parent...".
Don't be shy adoptive parents. You all know what I am talking about, and have most likely spent days, maybe weeks... possibly your entire process being beat up by such comments. So instead of making a list of "What you Don't say..." (don't get me wrong, I love those lists);
I am going to make you a very short list of ways it is similar and if you have had a baby or 4 Biologically/ 2 in International Adoption like me, you will be able to identify somewhere and maybe show a little understanding to your fellow "Paper Pregnancy" friends and family.
1. TIME.
P. A woman is pregnant for approximately 40 weeks give or take. Each time I was pregnant, my heart ached to hold my baby, see what they looked like, feed them, couldn't wait to clothe them, took this time to prepare a room for the baby; we take care of our bodies extra during this time to make sure the baby is getting the best vitamins and our diet and exercise is usually effected.
IA. Our families will be waiting to bring their child home from approximately 12 months to 3 years give or take. For that time, our hearts are aching to hold their child, to see what they look like face to face, to feed them (especially if they are not being fed well, orphan care) to clothe them, preparing a space for them when they arrive, we send packages of vitamins, food, toys, clothes, etc. Our diet and exercise is usually effected (and not in a good way usually).
2. PHOTO FREAKS
P. Aren't Ultrasounds the BEST!? You can see the sex of your child, the measurements, their face, tiny hands... they can see the House this child lives in and can check if all things are working properly with these photos. I was a Freak for these ultrasounds, I wanted to know all of these things and make sure the doc could accurately identify that everything was in working order, so I could hold my baby at the end of the pregnancy. Plus feeling the kicks and wiggles was an indication things were going well.
IA. Aren't Photo Updates the BEST?! You can see if your child appears well or ill, is being clothed/shoes, skin condition or bodily care, the area or conditions they live in (sometimes, we were blessed to be able to see photos like this)... Other than photos, sometimes you don't have much else to go off of; no kicks or wiggles to ensure us our children made it through the day. So when we get photos, WE ARE ELATED to see how are kids are doing through a photo, as they speak so loudly to our waiting hearts/
3. MEDICAL
P. We women, have the opportunity at times to house babies. It is amazing, it is crazy. If something doesn't feel right, we cramp (among a handful of other issues we could encounter), we can go to our OBGYN and have tests, ultrasounds, examinations. And usually, it can be figured out. Sometimes, there is an unfortunate occurrence that we will not be able to take home our babies after birth.
IA. Many times, our international kids do not have medical care. Many times these kids waiting to get adopted, have severe health issues. And Many times, they do not have people taking care of them that have these kids best interests at heart, or are unable to care for them adequately because of the shear number of kids in care. When our kids get sick internationally, we get sick. We can not take them to the doctor, we can't make sure their temps are normal, we can not console them in the night when they are crying because they want to sleep but can't because their noses are plugged and their eyes are covered in gook. And recently, after experiencing the "breath holding" with our son, you can imagine my fear had no one been there when it happened. Many of our kids waiting to come home are unwell and need everything a wombed baby and its mother have access to, but don't. And sometimes, there is the unfortunate occurrence that we will not be able to bring our kids home.
4. FAMILY defined by....
P. Babies are born. A lot of times people choose to grow a family by becoming pregnant. There are obvious times when babies are made from a bad choice from either side but were talking about when a family chooses to grow their family by biological growth. In this, women at times go over their ovulation, perfect timing, planning with their spouse when to have more kids, etc. They then "do the deed" and something Beautiful happens. Finding out you are pregnant is a wonderful thing when you are planning to grow your family. God has trusted you with a brand new human being baby to care for within your body and that is special.
IA. Babies are born... but a lot of times, no one is there to celebrate them. Children born into situations where parents cant care for them. Where food is a rarity. Where clean water or housing is unavailable. Where war and illness take parents and leave babies. During this time, there are families who have opened their hearts and are planning for this child, planning with their spouse, fundraising, screaming to the heavens we wish the timing was NOW, for the sake of these children. Adoption begins with Heart Ache. God has trusted you with a human being to take care of, a child probably on the other side of the world, out of grasp for a time and has given you the bond that is comparable to that of pregnancy and THAT, is also very special.
And with that, a family is defined as: "
a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household." Pretty Vague right. For us followers of Christ, you must know, WE have been Adopted as children of God. Here are a handful of verses that advocate for adoption in the Bible.
John 1:12 But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.
Ephesians 1:5-7 In love He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us.
Romans 8:14-16 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father." For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children.
Galatians 4:3-6 But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law. God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children. And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, "Abba, Father."
James 1:27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.
Psalm 68:5-6 Father to the fatherless, defender of widows-
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.
Matthew 18:5 "And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.
John 11:52 And not only for that nation, but to bring together and unite all the children of God scattered around the world
1 John 3:1-2 See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don't recognize that we are God's children because they don't know him. Dear friends, we are already God's children, but he has not yet shown us what we will be like when Christ appears. But we do know that we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is.
Exodus 2:10 Later, when the boy was older, his mother brought him back to Pharaoh's daughter, who adopted him as her own son. The princess named him Moses, for she explained, "I lifted him out of the water."
Esther 2:7 This man had a very beautiful and lovely young cousin, Hadassah, who was also called Esther. When her father and mother died, Mordecai adopted her into his family and raised her as his own daughter.
I read this off another adoptive moms blog:
"And the Lord has broken our hearts not for the cause of adoption, but for HIS children that are “fatherless.” He loves them desperately and they are subject to live a life of oppression – without a home of their own, without parents that fight for them, without a legacy or inheritance – if we do not move! This is why we are adopting."
My heart in writing this is that those, especially believers in Christ understand that for families you know adopting children... that you hold the same respect and gentleness in referring to their children as you would a pregnant woman. Because whether you fully understand the bond that Christ has given so many of us to our children, its there. We ache constantly and would leave Instantly to go get them. Just as I would not ask a woman with wombed child, "does your child have AIDS", or comment "lets not plan that far ahead because we don't know if your child will be coming home or die"... I would also not dare ask a parent waiting thousands of miles away from her children... make sense?
So maybe this has allowed your heart to understand the similarities and differences, and that perhaps a child given to a family by God, is in fact a son or daughter, whether it be birthed or adopted. Or maybe I totally ticked you off. (in that case, deal with God) The Bible makes it clear we are to be like Jesus, and it is made clear what Our Lord says about adoption. I firmly believe adoption is for all believers, but you must allow God to take you there. Protect the innocent. In my own opinion and experience, being pregnant for four years straight, has Nothing on the heart ache of adoption.
but,
God is Good.
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